Friday, November 06, 2009

sigh. maybe i should forget about a $125 crystal and just buy her a book that ll teach her how to understanding me. its all retarded and it just shows a lack of thinking and understanding.

would it only make u happy if i m socially retarded and spiritually empty. cus i know many out there like that. and we can do a swop if u dont mind. i just dont understand. sigh.

i woke up this morning from a really stressful dream. i dreamt that i had 2 exams to take in a day. i think it was chemistry mcq and history or sth. chemistry paper for some weird reason was in the morning and 3 hours long. i dunno why they said we could do all we wanted with the paper. and that they would only collect it when the history paper started which was in the evening. for some weird reason, i did 1/4 of the questions and went off for tuition. i came back late and for some reason had to run from jurong east all the way to pjc. and i asked all my frens around me. they told me that they already completed their mcq questions. i was really flustered. then for some reason, while turning into the school gate, i saw this teacher hu was wearing a red 30 sce polo t and i had to stop and explain myself to him that i wasnt late and i m an old student coming back to take an exam. i finally reached the exam hall. and i realised that everyone was carrying othello and pride and prejudice instead. shit, it was literature paper, not history. in my dream, i was drenched in sweat. and i woke up.

i just felt so tired. but i couldnt get back to sleep. cus the second i woke up. my mind started racing. maybe thats how heath ledger started in his decline. i remember during and after my a levels, u kept telling me i had to go back to church. finally, i went back. now that i involve myself with bible study on wednesdays and cell group meetings on fridays. i still spend the monday, tuesday and thursday evenings at home if i m not in camp. i think that after wad happened in the earlier years of my time in church, i have learnt and have a much better idea about balance. but why is it that when i start to pursue spiritual things. u discourage me and u call them "nonsense", when it was the same u hu was desperate for me to return to church when i backslided.

and i sit here. hoping that people from camp will give me peace. cus i know that once my understudy comes and i sufficiently train him. i have at least a load of my problems off me. i thought i had a fren whom i could trust with my responsibilities since i was given the green light to finally clear my leaves and cus i have known him for close to 5 years, he is the most honest out of the lot and a spiritual person from church. but i was wrong.

well. as for the other issue. i really dont know wad to do. right now it feels very one sided. it probably wouldnt be an issue if i didnt have to face all the others. but put them all together and i feel so tired and lost. but i ll persevere on in belief that one day it will no longer be so. if the other one that u were falling in love with could help me, i would be more at ease. but he lives erratically. i know i m not there yet, but it makes it more of a reason why i cannot afford to fall and fail spiritually.

first the issues, then the annoyances. when i have times like these. the temptation is always to go back to that old habit. right now, its no longer a habit. its just moments of weakness where i must pick myself up from, recover and strive to be stronger from so that i can remove even these moments, i dont want that to ever control me again.

my shoulders and neck ache again. dont really like the tension, the cramped and suffocated feeling. i feel like i m going thru the darkest valley in my life. God, when will i see the end in this trail of darkness.

|cowpoo| 9:08 AM|

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